FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
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running chickens are hilarious in a velociraptor kind of way
*gloating* I just broke the internet
Narrator: He dropped the WiFi router.
I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Reset Password
‘CargoAndBoxer’
Your password is two shorts
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Dating tip:
Girls like guys who takes control. Pick up a horse and ask “Where should I put this horse?” When she tells you, say no
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog
*guy struggling to pick his teeth with a toothpick*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there were a better way?-commercial for business cards
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
Sooo many times…..
So UBER is not a dating app?
*sigh*
I kinda thought all those ‘Goodbye’ kisses seemed more awkward than usual.
a lot of people think Rob is short for Robert, but it’s actually short for ‘Burglary’
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo