If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
This pumpkin spice toilet paper seems unnecessary, but I’ll taste it nonetheless.
People are all like “STAY OUTTA MY LIFE GOVERNMENT” and then they shut down and people are all like “COME BACK IN MY LIFE GOVERNMENT”
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”