@PaulyPeligroso You can’t die, man! Not right now. Not on my watch! *lifts dead body and pulls watch put from under it*
@PaulyPeligroso @PaulyPeligroso Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
@PaulyPeligroso Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
@PaulyPeligroso If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
@PaulyPeligroso They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
@PaulyPeligroso 
@PaulyPeligroso Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
@PaulyPeligroso I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
@PaulyPeligroso My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
@PaulyPeligroso When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.