I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
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If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Two types of dogs.
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I could never run for any kind of office because if someone published how badly I lost I would cry.
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 🧱
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.
everyone calm down they’re just doing a test run of the rapture
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Me, when there’s an errand that lets me leave the house when everyone is acting crazy:
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
ME: I fear the number six.
THERAPIST: That’s odd.
ME: It’s even actually, but you’re a therapist not a mathematician.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
lol so today this bookstore is having what could be its first health & safety inspection in about 258 years and reader I am crying with laughter
they sent a very helpful man who started off super cheery but 1 hour later is acting like he’s trapped in a SAW movie
I feel like such a hypocrite when I tell my cat she can’t have any more treats until she loses some weight
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
[first day of ninja school]
“Okay, I can see all of you. Not a good start. Larry, you’re actually carrying a lit torch. Let’s try this again.”
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.