My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting
*hates you so much replaces everything and everyone you love with a cat*
even if you already have a cat,
*replaces it with a worse cat*
*looks at you in batman voice*
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Is that all?
“I wanna stab you.”
“Cut your throat.”
“Drink your blood.”
“Have your baby.”
“Kidding! I’ll have a coke.”
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *