@PhilJamesson

Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me

@PhilJamesson

Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!

Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered

@PhilJamesson

[Lou Bega voice]

One, two, three four

[Proclaimers voice]

five hundred miles

@PhilJamesson

me: can i please have some more?

bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty

@PhilJamesson

me (when my escalator is working but the other direction isn’t): God is on my side as always.

me (when my escalator isn’t working but the other direction is): i am the cursed goblin man