Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
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[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
me 2 months after i graduated
My phone keeps sending me a message telling me moisture has been detected in my usb port, I think it might be flirting with me
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Sometimes life makes sense, and other times it’s a ball of yarn rolling down the stairs and out the back door.
What if animals “were” injured in the making of a film. Do they list that in the credits? Tim hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
Filed a restraining order against Starbucks. Creepy. Every time I turn around, there they are.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
yeah no that’s fair
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I put my pants on like everyone else….
After sex.
Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.