I’m having an orange at work, and the dogs keep looking at me like, “stop eating that ball, dude.”
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If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
Just call and I’ll be there.
*Turns phone off*
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
my first dose meeting my second
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
How many light bulbs does it take to change people?
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
debt collector: your bill is outstanding
duck: thank you
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
*stands next to ATM and cheers every time someone wins money*
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”
Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20×25 oriental rug.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.