COP: Do you know that you have an outstanding warrant?

ME: Well I didn’t know it was outstanding…..but I figured it was better than average


ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet

VERIZON: How’d you get it wet

ME: I talked dirty to it

HIM: ……

ME: Water asshole. How else?


The only thing we have to fear is fear itself


When a women asks if you notice anything different


If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve


If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind