I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says “Please give me a hand” is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.
There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.
Lady paid me $50 to paint the name “Inspiration” on her boat because “that’s what she is”
Considering writing “The Sea Word” instead.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.