every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
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I feel like true love can be proven by whether you would stay with your partner if they suddenly started wearing a beret all the time
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
My wife says I’m a clueless idiot.
I didn’t even know I had a wife.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
If you like more than one type of pasta does that make you bilinguini?
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
casino dealer: ok all bets on the table
cat: [pushes bets off the table]
dealer: stop that are you in or out
cat: YES
They say “pick your battles”, so today Oreos win.
My 10yo rejected a pair of socks because she could “feel the polka dots” if you’re wondering what the girl from The Princess and the Pea is up to these days.
You wish you had this many chins.
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
Me: I’d like to withdraw some daylight from my savings please
Bank: sorry no
Me: look I’ve been inside for 8 weeks now, there must be *something* in there
Bank: ok thats not really how this works
Me: omg this is daylight robbery
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
The most unbelievable thing in movies is when someone guesses the password of a computer that’s not theirs. I can’t even figure out my own password. That I changed yesterday.
I would’ve been here sooner, but I was holding the door for a Canadian that insisted I go first.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
DJ: “MARRIED PEOPLE IN THE CLUB TONIGHT MAKE SOME NOOOIISE!”
*Groans*
*Sobs*
*sighs*
*a solitary gunshot*
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.