@QueenVofCoffee

Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.

Me: My socks are off, though.

Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.

Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.

Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*

@QueenVofCoffee

My sense of humor can best be described as “Are you okay? Did someone hit you in the head?”

@QueenVofCoffee

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

@QueenVofCoffee

Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.

Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….

@QueenVofCoffee

Of all the galaxies that have ever existed, how do all of these idiots manage to come into mine?

-Me at work talking to guests.

@QueenVofCoffee

Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.