The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
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1985: “I hope we’ll have flying cars in the future!”
2017: “I just used the flashlight on my cell phone to look for spiders under my bed.”
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
I finished three books yesterday.
Believe it or not, that’s a lot of coloring!
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
The Turkey took our temperature before he would come out of the oven!!!
Ice Spice v. Mice Spice
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
eve: oH IM aDaM aNd I WoNT eAT aN ApPle
adam: wow
eve: lighten up i’m just ribbing you
adam: WOW
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Would you rather fight one 800lb gorilla or 800 1lb gorillas that trust you as their parent?
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene