@Qwertyings

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

@Qwertyings

I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.

@Qwertyings

You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.

The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.

@Qwertyings

Be kind to others especially those who accidentally sat on their Chimichanga.

@Qwertyings

Me: I’ve completed a psychological profile on myself.

Brain: What have we learned?

Me: I need to stop talking to myself or wear a Bluetooth device on my walks.

Brain: Will this help to keep people from staring at you?

Me: Maybe wear clothes too.

@Qwertyings

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

@Qwertyings

For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.

To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.

@Qwertyings

I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.

@Qwertyings

My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.

My wife during our sexy time does not.