My bathroom mirror after a long party weekend: girl, those vitamins can’t help you now
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
I think if the knotted muscle between my neck and shoulder ever released it would shoot my head off like a slingshot
I think the worst thing I would wish on an enemy is that their closet rod is too heavy and crashes off the wall in the middle of the night
Just violently swatted an almond with a flip flop if anyone needs a hero
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
“Would you rather be right or—“
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”