To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
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MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
Guy across the road can’t get his truck started. Now he’s rolled up his sleeves. That’s how you start trucks. By rolling up your sleeves.
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
Careful, it’s hot. *ladles steaming clam chowder into your kid’s trick or treat bag*
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I like when the ending credits show pictures from the episode I just watched. What a fun trip down memory lane.
COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?
Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.
God help us.
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
ME: I’m going to start a blog.
FRIEND: Ugh. Blogs are so narcissistic. I just talked about that on my podcast.
office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.