Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
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[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
My 5 yo after I explained the concept of breastfeeding: “can you squeeze Capri Suns outta those things or just milk?”
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
It’s pretty flattering when some random guy declares his love for you under a tweet. Especially if your the third chick he’s done it to in the last hour. So touching
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
There aren’t any 50% off Fourth of July candy sales today, but surely there are some fingers half off.
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
A guy said he fantasizes about me in a bathtub filled with Big Mac sauce and I said YOU’RE DISGUSTING AND DISTURBED and see you at 8, Brian.
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
[sifting through mail]
baby shower invitation? Haha, um no thanks, Linda. I have a regular size shower that I can use whenever I want
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …