Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
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*brings a gun to a knife fight*
*brings a gun to a pillow fight*
*brings a gun to a food fight*
who keeps inviting this guy
[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
[Last supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*plays Montell Jordan* THIS IS HOW WE DO IT
*Apostles go nuts*
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
First thing I’m doing after getting vaccinated is going to visit my little brother. Second thing I’m doing is waiting until he uses the restroom to sync my phone with his Nest thermostat so I can change the temperature in his home from anywhere in the world. This is how I love.
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It’s been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
2000: I don’t want no scrubs
2020: I’m actually gonna need all those scrubs.
I sleep with a knife under my pillow in case someone breaks in and needs to filet a fish
HUMAN BEING: You won’t touch the salad I made, but you just ate 2 stray cats and a whole koi pond! I thought you said you were vegan!
ALIEN, from planet Vega 3: Yes, that’s right.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.