@RidiculousSheri

Him: I know your secret

Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?

H: You killed someone

M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep

@RidiculousSheri

I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.

@RidiculousSheri

Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.

@RidiculousSheri

I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.

@RidiculousSheri

Yelp Review: Babies

Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.

@RidiculousSheri

[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*

Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.

Me: *poops all over windshield*

@RidiculousSheri

In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.