Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*
Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
Me: I think this diet is gonna work.