Employee: Everything I eat goes right through me.
Me: Yup, that’s how digestion works.
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This day in history. 1924. Franz Kafka died after a surrealistically charged life which should have its own adjective. Kafkastic? Kafkable?
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
WIFE: What did you just do?
CAT: *bolts for no apparent reason*
ME: *bolts in the opposite direction in case she’s after both of us*
walkable cities suck i want to be hit by a car on the highway
Always surround yourself with people who are successful, because people who are successful always have money to bail you out jail
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
*pulls away from kissing*
JUDGE: That was unexpected and kind of nice, but you’re still guilty.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
If you need another reason to stay off Facebook there’s a “turn yourself into a ‘Peanuts’ character” thing going around.
[band comes out for encore] DO YOU WANNA HEAR ONE MORE
crowd: YAAAAAHHHH
me: GETTING KINDA LATE GUYS
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time
[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
[staff meeting]
Boss: Does anyone have any questions?
Me: *raises hand*
Boss: Candy
Me: Does anyone care if I take the last blueberry muffin?
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
is frankincense just very honest incense?
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
In Mexico, it’s considered bad luck to be decapitated by a helicopter