Kids: Always remember to brush your drugs and don’t do teeth.
If you commit a crime be sure to wear running clothes, so if you need to flee the scene cops will just think “Look at that healthy jogger”
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
The new iPhone’s front camera detects when you’re looking at another phone and gives you a small electric shock.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
I just hope the government doesn’t have my Angry Birds scores. All in all they’re pretty embarassing.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Just explained the Higgs boson to my friend even tho I don’t understand it. He was very convinced. I bet this is how religions get started.