@RocketRankoon

*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there

@RocketRankoon

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

@RocketRankoon

*GF walks in dressed up
“Who’s the babe and what’ve you done with my gf?”
GF: Haha
*tackles imposter and puts her in choke hold
WHERE IS SHE

@RocketRankoon

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

@RocketRankoon

A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.

@RocketRankoon

Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.

@RocketRankoon

“So, do you play any instruments?”
Me: *slaps knees for 30 minutes straight without breaking eye contact*

@RocketRankoon

[5 minutes after being trapped in an elevator]
Finally, an excuse to drink my own urine

@RocketRankoon

[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*