A police lineup, but you have to recognize your dad’s sneeze.
My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.
Interviewer: Do you show up on time?
Me *born three months premature*: No.
One building was torn down by a wrecking ball, another building was bulldozed. They were razed differently.
[My first day as an architecture major]
*raises hand*
When are we going to learn how to build gingerbread houses?
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
I use a wheelchair. I carry a copy of a Stephen King book about a murderous clown. I just roll with IT.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*