Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
Cher: Do you believe in life after love?
Me: *checks dictionary*
No.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.