I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Not everyone was dancing in the moonlight. Some of us were trying to sleep.
“Please pre-register for your doctor appointment online, so we can ask you the same 57 questions when you get here.”
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Person: I saw an eagle on my hike today.
Me: Was it Don Henley?
I gave peas a chance, but I won’t again. They know what they did.