latin students necrophiliacs
馃
enjoying a dead tongue
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Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
At the store & asked for 50 condoms. 2 girls behind me started laughing. I turned around & looked them in the eyes and said, “Make it 52”
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I am in the battle of my life with tangled macrame and I may not make it. If a spider finds me, I鈥檓 screwed.
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
This family attached a microphone to their 4 year old and the result was adorable 鉂わ笍
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
This Is total BULLSHIT! You can’t even find ACME anvils on ebay.
THIS IS WHY THE ALIENS DON’T TAKE US SERIOUSLY!
Banker: So, you鈥檇 like a loan, to start an all marsupial fighting championship?
Me: Yes. I call it Mortal Wombat.
Banker:
Me:
Banker: I鈥檓 in.
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Will I still enjoy it if I haven鈥檛 seen Shepherd鈥檚 Pie 1-5?
I’ve seen such a change in myself this past year. I’ve really grown a lot. I need bigger pants
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Me: Back to school tomorrow! Everyone ready?
14: Yeah, let me check if I have any homework.
He鈥檚 been off for 17 days.
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your 鈥渓oved ones.”
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
It鈥檚 the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
I feel like a taco salad is the worst way to eat a taco, and yet, the best way to eat a salad.
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Ever take a look at @thefunnytweeter? I’m honored that they have some of my tweets on a page.
My six year old picked up a sweet potato fry and said, “Oh, I am going to eat these fries because I like all kinds of fries, even these disgusting ones!”
“Crunchy” peanut butter is just peanut butter that gave up in the process.
Don’t be like crunchy peanut butter.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.