I have bent many spoons in my life, the vast majority of which involved ice cream. Therefore, ice cream is the primary ingredient of activating supernatural powers.
You Might Also Like
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Now, where’s the sport in that?
“No. Delete it.” -Mona Lisa
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
You can strip us of our rights,
our dignity and our freedom but know this; we will NEVER stop correcting your grammar.
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
We’d like to sincerely apologize for booking the Karate Convention on the same day as the Rare Wooden Boards Fair
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
I wouldn’t say I want to write a book so much as I want to have written a book
People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
People said I was wasting my time playing Tetris, but here I am, loading the dishwasher like a beast.
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s kinda like a drink but with lumps in it”.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
My dad only says I love you on special occasions like birthdays, holidays, and competency hearings.
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?