*stubs toe
*puts $100 in the swear jar
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WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wrapped in Christmas lights standing in the mirror.
Just saw a tiktok of a family introducing their newborn to their cat and after it smelled the baby it went to another room and threw up LMFAO
I am not lying, autocorrect just tried to change “first” to Furstenberg like wtf when I have ever texted Furstenberg?!?
kids play hide and seek like
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
Why did they call it “conjugal visit” when “guilty pleasure” was right there?
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
Most women put a bun on the top of their head, they look like a ballerina. I do it and I’m Tweetybird’s Granny from Looney Tunes.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because that’s all most people know how to cook.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
My kid can’t remember to flush the toilet but can repeat every episode of My Little Pony, word for word
alexa has taken my entire family hostage and won’t unlock any of our doors or turn on our lights until we buy a carton of tide detergent pods on amazon
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Plot twist:
“Luke, I am your Mother.” – Yoda
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
When my kids were little they’d say the cleverest things to total strangers like, “My mom drove into the garage door when it was shut.”
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁