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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
Don’t let anyone tell you who you are unless you’re concussed and confused and genuinely need to know.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
Me: what are you looking forward to most this week?
8: playing with my friends!
3 (boy): seeing grandma!
3 (girl): lunch!
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
Me: My anxiety is out of control.
Dr.: Have you tried cutting back on coffee?
Me: Are you even a real doctor?
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
umm…
The Tortoise and the Hare is a classic story about how people who like to run are awful.
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
My daughter, when I ask her to clean up.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Take the road less traveled. Like, the one with the most mud, or the wettest grass, even if there’s a sidewalk nearby.
-Kids
My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.
I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.