Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If you wanna win a battle in the Middle Ages best be sure someone’s playing the bagpipes.
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
No matter how much you drink Michael Bay is still somewhere directing a “Transformers” movie.
I don’t get the big deal with falling in love. I fell in love with a steak-Umm sandwich like 3 hours ago.
If you’re being attacked don’t yell ”HELP” yell ”FREE CUPCAKES”
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Always know where the exits are in a crowded theater and your in-laws house.
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
I admire the sense of humor ”Capri Sun” execs had like ’let’s put juice in a bag and give it to kids lol’.
Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?