@Shariv67

Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.

@Shariv67

Dogs Barking at Night Translated
Dog 1: Hey! I’m a dog!
Dog 2: No way! I, too, am a dog!
Dog 3: Ok, you guys aren’t going to believe this…

@Shariv67

If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.

@Shariv67

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

@Shariv67

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.

@Shariv67

They said I’d have to kiss a lot of frogs before finding my prince. I never found him, but I did find out I’m REALLY into frogs.

@Shariv67

I was bitten by a radioactive vegan, and now I have the power to bore people to death.

@Shariv67

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

@Shariv67

You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.

@Shariv67

My favorite sex move is the reverse fire fighter. That’s where you get him all hot & then climb out the window & drive away in his truck.