@Shariv67

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

@Shariv67

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

@Shariv67

We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”

@Shariv67

Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.

@Shariv67

My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.

@Shariv67

Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.

@Shariv67

Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”

@Shariv67

All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.

@Shariv67

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

@Shariv67

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.