The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
Boy, your name must be Adobe cuz when you call me up for a date, I say “Ask me again later.”
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.