@Shen_the_Bird

boss: what is the problem

coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus

me: he peddles falsehoods

@Shen_the_Bird

kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume

me: yes that’s when i didn’t have a job

@Shen_the_Bird

guy: man it’s raining tigers and wolves out there

first guy to say “it’s raining cats and dogs”: oh it’s not nearly that much

@Shen_the_Bird

genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-

me: no i’m sure this is my wish

[elsewhere]

mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup

@Shen_the_Bird

interviewer: what are some of your strengths

me: i’m really good at making people question their reality

interviewer: what does that mean

me: [slightly tearing up] you really don’t remember the accident do you

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [robbing a bank] ok everybody hands in the air

everyone: [puts hands up]

me: [already mad with power] one hop this time

@Shen_the_Bird

boss: can i talk to you in my office

me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too

@Shen_the_Bird

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

@Shen_the_Bird

me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk

terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet

me: what

terrorist: with sock

me: no