Date: You seem close to your mom
Me: I am
Mom: It is a small table for 3
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roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
I go to the same coffee shop twice every morning, 1st with my dogs, right out of bed, second on my way to work after I have brushed my hair and put on makeup.
I’m fairly certain thr barista thinks I’m 2 different people.
I am a(n):
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 unknowable entity in the deep wood
seeking:⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a morally grey companion to defend me from the wizard who has been hunting me for centuries
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I hate people who are like “drunk words are sober thoughts”.
Drunk me has called 911 because she was “dying from lack of attention”, she can’t be trusted
Me: I’m going to be a great doctor one day
My patient: [bleeding out] when
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
I’m filled with joy when I see the “baby on board” sign attached to the car in front of mine, but sadness washes over me when I realise the car is a hearse. Only when I notice that it’s being driven by a baby do I begin to have mixed feelings
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
When the internet is down I turn my bed into a make-believe boat and play Life of Pi with the cat
Me: Put on your seatbelt.
13: Do I have to?
Me: not if you want your face shattering the windshield
13: cool
Me: PUT ON YOUR SEATBELT!