I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?
Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.