@Smethanie

Baby, you’re a firework: You hold my interest for about 15 minutes and scare the shit out of my dog.

@Smethanie

The worst things in life are free, too. Like, gonorrhea, chapped elbows and flyers left on your windshield.

@Smethanie

Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.

@Smethanie

I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.

@Smethanie

A really effective car insurance ad would just show pics of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say: Because these girls have licenses.

@Smethanie

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.