HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?