@Smooheed

HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive

@Smooheed

Nutritionist: Let’s identify those triggers that stop you from eating well, they could be subtle
M: I guess the main one is being awake
N:..

@Smooheed

It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together

I know this now

@Smooheed

You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof

@Smooheed

The neighbor is having an open home

How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?

@Smooheed

Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart

Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck

In their other hand

@Smooheed

Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano

@Smooheed

Sneezing is a really good way of working out exactly how full your bladder is

@Smooheed

I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married

@Smooheed

*twirls fork through hair*

So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?