Didn’t think I was that out of practice at parenting but then I went to put a friend’s one and a half year old in his car seat and it was like trying to stuff an octopus into a net bag.
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bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: Oh, so you think you can poke me, do ya? *draws gun* Well, reach for the sky!
CACTUS: 🌵
DRUNKEN GUNSLINGER: That’s right…
Always the camel, never the toe.
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
They’re called werewolves.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
The pasta is now
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
The best thing about parenting babies and toddlers is that you can dress them up as like, a croissant for Halloween, they don’t give a shit.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
[in bed]
M: Do that thing I like
H: NO
M: Please?
H: *sighs [puts on British redcoat uniform] I have your tea
M: I WILL NEVER PAY YOUR TAXES
The good thing about being tall is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
The bad thing is, you can’t get lost in a crowd.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day