@Smooheed

I miss dating

The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…

@Smooheed

*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*

@Smooheed

Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time

@Smooheed

Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English

@Smooheed

If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler

@Smooheed

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

@Smooheed

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

@Smooheed

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@Smooheed

I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office