Her: I’ve found a picture of you when you were a baby!
Me: yeah? let me see.
Her: *shows me a pic she took during a previous argument*.
You Might Also Like
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Men grow their beards and everyone is all ‘oh look at them don’t they look rugged and handsome’
I grow mine one time and…
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
[god, creating ducks]
Just like put a surfboard mouth on a big pigeon and make it like a loud idiot. I don’t know
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Curling seems like the kind of game Mr. Miyagi would’ve made up to trick Daniel into cleaning his floors.
I wear my fitness tracker to bed. If I’m making 2 trips a night to the bathroom, I’m damn well getting credit for them.