@Smooheed

I’m not saying I’m drunk but I’m having trouble working out if you’re quoting Sylvia Plath or the Cookie Monster right now

@Smooheed

Boss: you look a bit lost

Me: Yeah, sometimes I really wish I’d listened to you

Boss: About what

Me: Dunno. I wasn’t listening

@Smooheed

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

@Smooheed

HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss

Me: “ok”

@Smooheed

Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen

@Smooheed

Marriage is basically a never ending competition to prove who is the most tired

@Smooheed

Sorry I missed your call

I was in the 17th minute of watching my daughter help her sloth toy crawl across the room to hug me