@Smooheed

Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual

@Smooheed

*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*

Co-worker: omg what happened

Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged

@Smooheed

I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?

I’d watch that

@Smooheed

My kids went to great lengths, including the use of interpretative dance, to explain exactly how big the bags under my eyes are

If you’ve ever wondered about the joys of parenting

@Smooheed

My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse

@Smooheed

I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul

Optometrist: please stop talking