@SomthinBoutSara You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
@SomthinBoutSara @SomthinBoutSara I left my phone at home and had no idea what to do with my hands while I drove
@SomthinBoutSara If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
@SomthinBoutSara I’ve stepped on a Lego before so I’m calling bullshit on Godzilla and King Kong being that difficult to take down
@SomthinBoutSara How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
@SomthinBoutSara Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
@SomthinBoutSara Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
@SomthinBoutSara I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
@SomthinBoutSara If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
@SomthinBoutSara My exes dying words were, “you’re obviously in one of your moods”