@SortaBad

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

@SortaBad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

@SortaBad

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

@SortaBad

If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool

@SortaBad

[debate, 2020 election]
Moderator: President Trump said you will ‘hurt badly the growth’ – how do you respond?
Oprah: So perhaps everyone in American right now could…take a look under their seats
Me, at home, finding a toaster oven: holy shit

@SortaBad

The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners

@SortaBad

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

@SortaBad

Me: oh Finding Dory is on, what a fun mov-

Neil deGrasse Tyson: You’ll note the fish switch between fresh & salt water without repercussion