@SortaBad

I love how there’s just no social rules at the airport. Wanna sleep on the ground in public? Cool. A shot of tequila and beer at 7am? Right on, normal stuff. Also the dogs are cops.

@SortaBad

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

@SortaBad

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

@SortaBad

Me: hi 🙂

Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???

@SortaBad

Body: go to sleep

Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this

@SortaBad

A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house

@SortaBad

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

@SortaBad

We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji

@SortaBad

No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch

@SortaBad

Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?

Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death