@Spaziotwat

Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us

@Spaziotwat

My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.

@Spaziotwat

[First day, CSI]

Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”

@Spaziotwat

[Creation]

God:*creates single-cell life form* “Wahoo!”

*cell divides*

God:”What the-”

*cells divide again*

God:”Oh shi-“

@Spaziotwat

My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@Spaziotwat

My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.

@Spaziotwat

Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground

@Spaziotwat

Deodorant? No, I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it to me, complete strangers sometimes

@Spaziotwat

[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]

My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”