Dad- I want you to have everything in this world that your heart desires.
*Can I have oreos?*
[NO]
You Might Also Like
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
I only hug people when I need to wipe my hands off.
Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
*gf breaks up w/ me*
me: [running on platform alongside train as she rides away]
IS IT BECAUSE I SAY EX-SQUEEZE-ME INSTEAD OF EXCUSE ME?
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter
Friday night party time 🥳
To little kid eyeing my McDonalds: thats right i can eat this any time i want… Dont ask about any of the other parts of my life please.
🤣😂🤣
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Too ugly for insta too stupid for twitter too stiff for tiktok
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
there’s a trend I’m seeing on TikTok rn of women in their 20s and 30s starting ballet “for their mental health” and as a former ballerina…….. i am experiencing some real dramatic irony here
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
Me: *takes off my clothes*
Masseuse Instructor: No. The client removes their clothes…not you.
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.