Me: “Toilet paper, over or under?”
Me: *flips table* NEXT!!!!!
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
I went to the bathroom and forgot my phone. Had to read the little paper about Toxic Shock Syndrome from the tampon box again
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?
Whatever it is, I’m that
I’m brimming with meh today. I’m a lethargic ball of unbridled unenthusiasm
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”