THE BOY: ew, why you kiss the dog?
ME: ew, why you so jelly?
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*
WIFE: the dog got the mail again
ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?
WIFE: because she knows you hate bills
DOG: *still wagging*
ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
ME: stop whining before I give you something to whine about
KID: wut? WhAt U gOnNa Do?
ME: change the wi-fi password
KID: nonononono I’m sorry
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Know what you miss when your kid gets older? Finding random cheerios laying on every surface all over the house to just snack on.
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded