@StupiDucker

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

@StupiDucker

Her: could you not do that?

Me: but I’m just being me

Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.

@StupiDucker

Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.

Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.

@StupiDucker

When I was a kid I wanted to be in organized crime but now I see I’d have to be voted in and that wouldn’t happen.

@StupiDucker

Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.

@StupiDucker

My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.

I have to go pack now. The movers are here.

@StupiDucker

My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.

@StupiDucker

Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.

@StupiDucker

Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.

Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?

Me: No.

@StupiDucker

I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.