Dad: Want a donut?

Me: YES!

Dad: *punches my leg* Hurts don’t it lol.

Me: *tasers him* HERTZ DON’T IT LOL.


Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.


I put my pants on like everyone else….

After sex.

Ha just kidding. I don’t have sex, or pants.


5 Stages of Pregnancy:

1: Crying

2: Peeing

3: Crying because you peed

4: Peeing because you’re crying

5: The toilet is your home now


*Squatting over cat litter box*

Husband: What the fu-



GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.

“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”

GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.


My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.


A woman isn’t really heartbroken unless she does something drastic to her hair.