*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
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The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
Difference between Jenna Jameson & Mitt Romney? One does disgusting, amoral things for money; one’s a porn star.
She just wanted a better look at her surroundings
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Hubs said we should only drink one night a week…. But he didn’t say anything about the day 😜 #sundayfunday
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
What if Cookie Monster was censored and this whole time he has been talking about boobies instead of cookies?
I wish all tests were things you peed on
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
*Smashes the Sony
*Destroys the Panasonic
*Pummels the Kenwood
*Rips apart the Pioneer
~breaking all stereotypes
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
Sorry I said your cat was ugly.
Oh, and sorry for thinking your baby was a cat.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Someone sat down next to me in a crowded waiting room and started clicking her pen.
Tune in to your local news at 5 to see what happened next.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
It’s funny how when you’re at work, “Go to hell” comes out as “No problem.”
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.