Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?
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I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
Apparently, my superpower is being invisible to bartenders.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
I wish I was as optimistic as the wives that believe they can change their husbands into the men they thought they married.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
These customers wanna come in at the most inconvenient times
-me during my whole shift
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
How did SkyMall go bankrupt? I bought all my wife’s birthday presents there before she left me.
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!
KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Hubs: Why can’t we use the good china?
Me: Because that’s for if the Queen comes to visit
Hubs: um…
Me: oh bugger!
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I