on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
on a date with a guy who’s been fired from 3 different bowling alleys
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in physics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: it’s ok the plane will weigh the same
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
the michael jackson of crabs impressing all his friends by walking smoothly forwards