That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
I would actually consider watching The Bachelor if one of the girls was a Praying Mantis.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
My wife yelled out in the hallway, there’s a severe thunderstorm warning now …. I could barely hear her way back in this closet with my cat.
I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.